Page 29 - PartA

Counselling Skills

Section 2: Establishing a helping relationship

This section will explore the following:

• Boundaries that need to be taken into account in a new helping relationship

• Agreeing objectives for a new helping relationship.

Boundaries that need to be taken into account in a new

helping relationship

Establishing boundaries when starting a new helping relationship

In all relationships there are boundaries. These can be physical and/or psychological
in nature. Boundaries are the edges around our personal space that we don’t want
other people to intrude upon. For example – our homes are places where we would
not want anyone to be able to walk in and out without our permission.

Rigid boundaries

Mental or psychological boundaries represent the degree to which we allow others
to know us. Some people have very rigid boundaries – they erect a ‘wall’ around
themselves and appear very self-sufficient, never needing help and never allowing
anyone to get very close to them.

Rigid boundaries may arise because the person has been hurt, abandoned or let down
in the past. A wall is erected to stop themselves feeling vulnerable and being hurt
again. Rigid boundaries prevent emotional connection and intimacy.

Enmeshed boundaries

Other people may have inappropriate boundaries that are too enmeshed or
intertwined with others. As a result they don’t have a clear idea of ‘self’. They are
unable to see themselves as being separate in a relationship. Therefore, they become
vulnerable to others hurting them – particularly when ’the other’ in a relationship
wants greater independence. For example – a mother who encourages an overly close
relationship with her child can feel hurt when the child wants to become independent
and form relationships with other people. The mother can feel rejected – however, this
is not the same as being rejected.

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